We all wear masks. From the professional persona we present at work to the cheerful face we show at social gatherings, these carefully crafted versions of ourselves help us navigate different situations and relationships. Yet many people I work with in therapy express a deep longing to discover how to find their authentic self beneath these protective layers.
Understanding the difference between our personas and our authentic self is crucial for mental wellbeing and genuine connection. When we lose touch with who we truly are, we may experience feelings of emptiness, confusion or disconnection from our own lives.
What Are Personas and Why Do We Create Them?
Personas are the various roles and identities we adopt in different contexts. We might be the reliable colleague, the dutiful child, the entertaining friend or the composed parent. These masks aren't inherently problematic - they serve important social functions and help us adapt to different environments.
However, challenges can happen when we become so identified with our personas that we lose touch with our core self. Many clients describe feeling like they're "performing" their lives rather than living them authentically. Learning how to find your authentic self becomes essential when these masks feel more real than the person wearing them.
The Cost of Constant Performance
Living primarily through personas can be exhausting. When we're constantly adapting ourselves to meet others' expectations or to avoid judgment, we expend enormous energy maintaining these different versions of ourselves. This performative living often leads to:
- Chronic fatigue and burnout
- Anxiety about being "found out"
- Difficulty making decisions that align with personal values
- Relationships that feel superficial or unfulfilling
- A persistent sense of emptiness or disconnection
One pattern I frequently work with in clients is how people develop personas in childhood as protective strategies. Perhaps showing emotions wasn't safe, so a "strong" persona was created. Maybe academic achievement brought approval, leading to a "perfect student" mask that persists into adulthood.
Signs You've Lost Touch with Your Authentic Self
Recognising when we've become overly identified with our masks is the first step in learning how to find your authentic self. Common indicators include:
- Feeling different around different people to an uncomfortable degree
- Difficulty identifying your genuine preferences or opinions
- Experiencing anxiety when you can't meet others' expectations
- Feeling like you're "acting" even in intimate relationships
- Struggling to make decisions without external validation
- Experiencing imposter syndrome across multiple areas of life
How to Find Your Authentic Self: Practical Steps
Discovering your authentic self is a gradual process that requires patience and self-compassion. Here are evidence-based approaches I use in therapeutic work:
Mindful Self-Observation
Begin by noticing when you feel most like yourself. Pay attention to moments when you feel relaxed, genuine and unguarded. These instances offer clues about your authentic nature. Notice too when you feel you're "performing" - what triggers this shift?
Values Exploration
Your authentic self is closely connected to your core values. Spend time identifying what truly matters to you, separate from what others expect or what you think you "should" value. Consider what principles guide your decisions when no one is watching.
Emotional Awareness
Authentic living requires emotional honesty. Practice identifying and acknowledging your genuine feelings, even when they're uncomfortable or socially inconvenient. Your emotions provide valuable information about your authentic responses to situations.
Boundary Setting
Learning how to find your authentic self often involves setting boundaries that protect your true nature. This might mean saying no to activities that don't align with your values or expressing opinions that differ from your social group.
Creative Expression
Engaging in creative activities without concern for outcome or judgment can help you connect with your authentic self. Whether through art, writing or movement, creative expression often bypasses our protective personas.
Starting Your Journey
The goal isn't to eliminate all personas - they serve legitimate purposes in our social world. Instead, learning how to find your authentic self involves developing a healthy relationship between your core self and your various roles.
If you're ready to begin discovering how to find your authentic self, start small. Choose one area of your life where you can experiment with greater honesty - perhaps expressing a genuine opinion in a low-stakes situation or pursuing an interest that others might find surprising.
Remember that authenticity isn't about dramatic revelation or complete personality overhaul. It's about gradually aligning your outer life with your inner truth. This process takes time, courage and often benefits from professional support.
Learning how to find your authentic self is perhaps one of the most important journeys we can undertake. In a world that often pressures us to conform, choosing authenticity becomes an act of courage that enriches not only our own lives but also gives others permission to be genuine too.